Coming soon, on a flat screen near you, I, one of your numbingly countless actors in Los Angeles, will be featured on the hilariously sick “Shameless”.  Just one line, but it’s a show stopper.

I play a pervert in a raincoat jerking off in front of a yoga class next to a twelve year old girl on a bicycle.  Now, before you indignantly scream “How in the hell could you ever volunteer to do something so shocking, so obscene, so humiliating!” and pontificate how this is a perfect example of the dissolute lasciviousness of the amoral world of HOLLYWOOD, I shout back atcha, “Fuck you!  It’s what America wants.” Plus, I’m getting paid a grand for an hour or so of hardly sweat-inducing work.

Relax.  You know you love it.  America loves to be shocked out if its communal Lazy Boy.  Whether it’s sex or violence, ever since the advent of shows like “Dexter” and “Breaking Bad” and “True Detective”, the more “what the fuck did I just see?” factor you can add to your script, the better.

Let me remind you, fellow viewers, not too long ago, over a hundred million of us at last count headed over to YouTube to watch a nine year old girl blow away a grown man with a machine gun.  Do I need to repeat that?  Who’d a thunk that would actually be a sentence a scant decade ago?

I’ve watched that particular video at least a dozen times.  Not the same one, mind you, but different variations of it.  My intentions were not, as far as I can tell, voyeuristic.  I was on a mission to find the raw video.  Just the facts, Ma’am.

Most of the ones I kept clicking on were clips from local news programs with sexy reporters with long blonde hair tumbling down the sides of their faux serious faces, a look of righteous indignation knitting their brows as they related the “horrific” tale of a nine year old girl, barely the age to play a decent video game, blasting a grown man away like a Delta Force soldier offing a murderous ISIS terrorist in the middle of the desert.  TV  talking heads sanctimoniously warned us, “Now, this may be too shocking for younger viewers.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  One of your younger viewers is doing the killing, for God’s sake!   Just shut up with the verbal prophylactics and cut to the chase. We don’t need a post-Viagra warning disclaimer.

Nah.  I didn’t need any editorializing.  I wanted to see the raw story, baby, videotaped by the KID’S PARENTS, irony of ironies, probably smiling as they recorded memories for them and their little girl to watch years later, saying “remember this, Little Anonymous?  When you fired that automatic weapon in Arizona?  Wasn’t that FUN?”  But instead, they now had an unintentionally sadistic record of homicide for the family album, a Nickelodeon version of a Rambo movie endlessly rolling out before our violence-jaded eyes, eyes we couldn’t avert.   Not since we all collectively watched airplanes splitting buildings in half have we so obsessively gazed at a scene of death.

I had to see it again.  A raw version. And specifically, a version that, played all the way up to the money shot, pardon the pun.  Because some of the videos I watched stopped a second or two before she pulled the trigger after the poor instructor infamously said – his last words, by the way – “Now, Full Auto!”

The one I was looking for was when that fucking barrel spun in her hands toward the guy’s face.   I knew it was out there somewhere.

I must admit, I have a mixture of both horror and amusement.  In some kafka-esque George Carlin way, I think this video – and this is possibly why I just can’t get enough of it – this clip is the perfect representation of America’s wry sense of humor.  Goddamnit that Robin Williams died just the week before! I would have loved to have heard his spin on it.   I would have thrilled at Carlin’s reenactment of one of the most representative metaphors of our culture since the Zapruder film.  Actually, it’s probably more like Jack Ruby blowing Lee Harvey Oswald away on live television, which I happened to see in real time, by the way.  That’s the only bummer with this latest All American ammo-laden horror is, unlike Ruby, unlike the Twin Towers, this precious tidbit of Americana wasn’t on our screens LIVE.

And if you think I’m being sick, you should see the hundreds of comments after each video of it I found.   It was every viewer’s opportunity to do a little stand up.  Some of them were pretty funny, actually:   “We have this year’s winner of the Darwin Award.”  “A nine year old with a machine gun?  What could go wrong!”   And my personal favorite:   “If he had had a gun to defend himself, he’d still be alive.”   Jesus, everybody in this nation has become a Sarah Silverman.  And I frigging love it.

I clicked on another video.   The timer at the bottom of the video was a few seconds longer than most I had found.  Could this be the mother lode I’d been searching for?   I clicked on it and waited in anticipation.

The enthusiastic voice of the instructor, eagerly explaining to this small human, who less than a decade earlier was a fetus in her mother’s womb, how to handle the Uzi.   You would have thought it was a music teacher showing a preteen how to properly hold a saxophone.

The video continued as all the others did, her firing a single shot and the dust on the target creating a puff of smoke, confirming the little girl’s aiming acumen.  Her little braided pony tail on the back of her innocent head swung affirmatively.

Then the now legendary words as the instructor clicked a switch on the machine pistol;  “Full Auto!”.   Indeed!   Full Auto, goddamnit, and damn the consequences!

The naïve kid pulls the trigger.  The barrel of the Uzi swings toward her mentor, firing away as it twists toward his face.   The girl emits an “Oh!”  Not really a scream of horror but of surprise, a reaction to the change in the script she was totally not expecting.  Her “Oh!” the punchline to a really bad joke.

Black out.

I think, as far as finding the perfect video of this latest American Tale, that’s about as far as I’m going to get.  Just like when we gasped in horror and fascination every time a fresh piece of video with a different perspective of the planes plowing into the World Trade Center surfaced, I had found another motherlode.

Unless one of the Arizona cops personally show me the entire footage they have stowed away in a computer in their evidence room, I think this is as far as I’m going to get.   But ya never know!